I Couldn't Even Remember My Name
by liketolaugh
Summary: Allen tells Lavi about what the Noahfication process feels like. All-dialogue, takes place shortly after Allen and Neah come to an agreement.


**A/N: This isn't entirely original, in that it's pretty similar to Cold Days' last chapter. But I thought it was worth writing anyway. Hope you like it!**

**Title: I Couldn't Even Remember My Name**

**Author: liketolaugh**

**Rating: T**

**Pairings: None**

**Genre: Angst**

**Warnings: ? Something. I don't know what it is, but definitely something.**

**Summary: Allen tells Lavi about what the Noahfication process feels like. All-dialogue, takes place shortly after Allen and Neah come to an agreement.  
**

**Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"You sure you're alright with this, beansprout?"

"Y-yeah. I'll be fine."

"If you're sure…"

"Well, it's not like you can ask anyone else, right? No one has ever survived the Noahfication process before."

"True, that. Alright, Allen, when you're ready. And don't forget you can stop at any time."

"Okay… Hahh. Well, the first thing, Lavi - it was the scariest thing I've ever been through. It was scarier than any akuma soul, scarier than almost dying - Lavi, I wasn't even that terrified when I turned Mana into an akuma."

"'S okay, Allen. Neah promised you'd never go back there, didn't he?"

"Yes... he did. Anyway, you go to this… this place. It's imaginary, I suppose, because I doubt there's anywhere like it on Earth."

"..."

"What's it like, beansprout?"

"...It's dark in there. Not like there's no light, more like there's nothing to see. There might not have been, I don't know."

"You were there, at least, beansprout."

"...And you can't hear anything, either. It's absolutely silent, because you're all alone. There's… there's no one there. No one."

"..."

"And… and you can't breathe. It… it suffocates you. You can't… can't breathe, Lavi… Like the darkness is choking you. You can't… can't… _ah..."_

"Beansprout! Allen! You're alright, you're fine. You can see and hear, right? You're not there. Just breathe, Allen. You're okay."

"Hahh… hah… nn…"

"You're _fine."_

"Yeah… I'm… I'm okay. I'm okay."

"That's right. You sure you can do this?"

"...Yeah. Um… You're all alone. Did I say that?"

"You did, but go on."

"Alright… you start… to forget who you are. Lavi, I couldn't even remember my own name. I mean, that doesn't mean much, coming from me, but it was… and I was all alone, Lavi, and I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't hear Crown Clown, and Lavi, I've always heard Crown Clown. I've known him my whole life, and I couldn't hear him, and I… I couldn't breath… It was suffocating me, it… it wanted to swallow me whole, but… it… I…"

"Stay with me, beansprout."

"R-right. So then… then you start to think… maybe you're Neah. Maybe that's your name, Neah. And it's a relief, to… to finally know your name, like you're s-someone after all. But I'm… I'm not Neah."

"Allen…?"

"I'm not Neah, my name… my name isn't Neah, don't call me Neah, _my name isn't Neah, Mana, don't call me Neah! I'm not Neah, I'm not your little brother, stop calling me Neah!"_

"Ow, _shit!_ Allen! _Allen!_ Calm down!"

"Hahh… hah… a-_ah…"_

"Alright, that's it, we're stopping now. Come on, Allen, let's go get lunch or something. I doubt anyone else got past that anyway."

"N-no, I can do this. I'm sorry, I just…"

"It's okay, don't worry about it."

"No, really. I shouldn't have lost it like that. Does it hurt?"

"Not really. It's fine, it'll barely bruise. And it sounds like you've got some history with that name."

"..."

"Don't worry, I won't ask."

"...Mana wasn't... all there. Did I ever tell you that, Lavi?"

"...No."

"He was okay most of the time, he was… he was the best, Lavi, don't you ever doubt that. But some days he'd wake up and he wouldn't know who or where he was… and he'd call me Neah all day."

"But he knew you most of the time, right?"

"Yeah, he did. And like I said, on his good days, he was the very best father I could have asked for."

"I'm sure he was, beansprout."

"..."

"...Anyway, I think that place kind of… eats at you. You can't hear yourself scream in there, you know. And you can feel yourself thrash, and cry, but not very well, like maybe it's just your imagination. And then… then you're not so sure you really exist."

"Allen…"

"Like maybe you're nothing after all. And then still can't breathe, but… you can't not breathe, either. Because you don't have lungs, so it doesn't matter. And you can't scream, or move, or even think, really. And… I'm not sure, but… I think that you start to stop existing."

"..."

"...How the hell did you get out of it this time, beansprout?"

"Crown Clown always broke through, in the end. He was… really desperate. And once I could hear him, I always remembered who I was eventually."

"Well, thank god for that."

"...Yeah."

"..."

"Is that enough?"

"Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is more than good enough. Thanks a lot, Allen. This'll be a big help."

"You're welcome."

"Now let's go get some lunch, 'kay? I bet Jerry has some dango all ready for you."

"..."

"Allen?"

"...I'm not hungry."

"...Me either. But c'mon. The others'll worry."

"...Right. Okay."

"And Allen?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget, you're important to all of us here at the Order. We'd miss you if you were gone, and we'd never stop looking for you. Got it?"

"...Got it."

"Good. Now let's go."

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**This was pretty similar to Cold Days' last chapter, I know. *shrug* Sorry. But I thought it was worth its own thing. Eh, anyway. Thanks for reading and please review!**


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